Death of a non-existent man

I know I am a guy, I mean gender never matters
I don't know why, the tears keep dropping now.
Yes, I am crying.
A silent cry to mourn of someone who had never existed.
A silent cry

People say emotionally hurt is much worse than being wounded physically.
I do not fear pain or death now.

My fingers, my hands are trembling.

God, please teach me how to end this. Teach me the right and best possible thing to do.
I do not want to wallow in self pity...
but I am really sad, really sad, really sad.

I may be smiling, but I am crying inside.
To myself, I have already died.

I am still crying. Gosh, please STOP.
you cant cry for someone who never existed.
you cant cry for something that should not have started.
you cant cry for something that was never meant to be.

But I cant help it, can I?
How can you stop a crying man? Can you beat me up?
Tell me off ?

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